There is an old saying that suggests that a sure sign of approaching madness is that one’s work appears suddenly very important. This is happening to me, and has been growing more so in the last couple of years.
Now, either I am going mad in an effort to find something ‘worthwhile’ to do with my short time here on Earth, or I have actually stumbled upon an idea that is really worth pursuing. If I am lucky enough to be in receipt of an especially potent combination of memes in my mind, and their combination marks the seed of something new and extraordinary, then my excitement at the possibility of that seed’s germination is fully justified.
If, however, my excitement is along the lines of the Philip K. Dick school of paranoia and conspiracy – themselves brands of delusions of grandeur and self-centric universailty – then I’m clearly about to throw my noodles onto the wobbly stool.
But it’s not as if I have nothing to go on here – I’ve been working at both facets of what I shall call The Great Project for a few years now, and it’s still getting better and better, and more and more possible and exciting in its scope. It’s actually happening in the real world, rather than in my mind, and I cannot now stop myself from doing it, or thinking about it. Everything I see bears some reflection of its potential in the world, as long as I can get it to work, and get it finished.
It’s a lonely life, though – full of doubt and nauseous faith in oneself, but there are occasional moments when one is buoyed up by a breath of fresh, invigorating air as it washes down from the mountain on which one can envisage one’s beacon shining out from the future. Sometimes glimpses of other people climbing the same mountain spur one on, and sometimes they make one pale in hopelessness as one sees how much better kitted out one’s competitors are.
What I probably need is a team of collaborators – people with whom I can share my dream, and with whom a stronger bond of self-reliance can be forged that will take us all to the same victorious upper slopes.
But for the moment, I’m still trying on crampons in the village shop in the foothills…